Fri, Sep. 10th, 2004, 11:59 am
Tue, Aug. 31st, 2004, 11:27 pm
THIS IS THE LAST POST... I'm off to Toronto.
This journal's life is at its last type.
Peace be with you all.
"It's funny because you guys have absolutely NO idea that we don't care at all about you anymore. We insult your so-called "friendships" in our journals, but you are completely unaware." Maybe it's best that way.
So to Kayla (aka K-dawgie): man...you are the only one that understands me. Once upon a time I thought my other two "bestfriends" cared, but now I can say with pride that I only have one and she is you. I can't replace any of the time we have spent together. There will be no one like you in my future. You have completely changed my life. You made sure that I held my ground, that I realized the truth, and that I cannot give up this dream we are living for anyone or anything. This is perfection. I've said it before and I'll say it again; I love you with all of my heart, no leftovers, dude. Even when I'm addressing myself in a british accent you've always been there for me through EVERYTHING. This summer has changed our lives for the fucken better, and you know it. I'm so fucken proud of you I could rip a tissue, love. Go for it all. Or the gold... don't fucken screw it up on the first hurdle ..just keep going. I love you.
~~~And to anyone else I love: thanks for calling me everyday just to see how I'm doing/feeling. Thanks for listening as well as speaking. I just hope people in Toronto will accept me like you have. I leave you with a peice of my heart forever. I will never forget how you have changed my life.
~~~~~~A little ditty to say goodbye (but only to say a final goodbye to all those I havent mentioned):
CLARITY, jimmy eat world.
I'll take your words as if you were talking to me.
Say what I know you'll say and SAY IT THROUGH YOUR TEETH.
Now, in the deep and down your heart moves?
With pride, keep every failure in.
And with pride, hold on cause youre sinking.
Now, in the deep and down your heart moves?
Now, in the deep and down?
I don't know how.. but I know I want out.
And wait for something better.
Will I know when it can be us?
Maybe that doesn't mean us...
Wait for something better?
I shouldn't, it's not enough.
PULL ONE EXCUSE FROM ANOTHER...
...this time it means .... .... ....STOP!
(and I still am convinced none of you will get it, or understand me at all).
and now to the rest of you:
Our friendship is over. As I leave this town, I won't look back because I have already let you drift off to sea (long before you noticed).
So here's to tonight! Let's drink to tonight!
Your ship began to sink and the current was too slow, so I began to push you away.
Far, far away.
And as I drank the last of the rum I screamed "As the sun sets tonight I'll see you!"
(I'll see you in hell if that's what you want me to do).
I stopped caring.
I pushed you out to sea, watched you sink and mop the floor of friendships.
So, tonight, when you sleep with the fishes, don't think of me. For that matter, don't even remember my name because I do not give two fucks if you survive.
So, thanks for fucken NOTHING, friends.
Final Last Words; FUCK YOU.
yours truly ~~~~****~~~~.~~~~****~~~~
PS: don't bother with "telling me off" comments, I don't care.
Footnotes: The Reason.
It's ironic sometimes how we meet and divide.
yours truly ~~~~****~~~~ungraspable~~~~****~~~~
PS: this journal will be updated one more time before I leave Windsor.
After that I MIGHT create a new one, which will be friends only.
+So here's to the rightious!
I applaud your excellence!
I've never encountered someone so beautiful.
+Like anyone would be I am flattered by your fascination with me. Like any hot blooded woman I have simply wanted an object to crave. Like any uncharted territory I must seem greatly intriguing. You speak of my love like you have eperience love like mine before.
+oh, how you've done it again. No, I won't call you. No, I won't see you. No, I won't have you. By hanging up that phone, you lost me forever. One can only take a joke for so long, hrm? I have a lack of ambition now. I tried. But I am leaving in 10 days. I so don't care anymore.
Anything that has to do with you, I'm out.
Warped tour. Good. Kayla= excellent date. Saw a few people. Saw even better bands than expected. The Vandals and Anti-Flag rocked. The Matches and Brazil also rocked. Billy (as americans would say) TAILent was not bad. Coheed and Cambria were alright this time.. if it wasnt for kayla's head acting as a spring board and my body being a balance beam.. i'm sure it would have been as incredible as when I saw them in April. Good Charlotte.. don't like the band so much, but I got a wierd erie feeling when I saw them. I almost felt like a fourteen year old girl "oh my god! billy! Joel! benji!" you know... all in all it was fun with k-dawg.
we're expected in Toronto next year. Prepare!
Good life. I am happy.
I am so happy.
I love this.
yours truly ~~~~****~~~~oh, you silly rabbit~~~~****~~~~( I don't want to be your 'baby-girl'Collapse )
Crouched down on a rooftop... In my mother's high-heeled shoes.
I'm wondering if I will drrop... Or fly away with you.
I can smell the rain coming... But I won't leave until it falls.
I'm going to soak in its downpour... Until I hear my mother's calls.
I am playing against God
I am raising hell.
As far as I can tell I am all alone, alone in this world.
Alone with you.
I carry spring rain in my hair... Weighting sorrow in perfect clouds.
Bursting in the air... Wash away and drown.
The roof slips beneath my feet... As the branches back away from me.
And the softest ground turns to concrete.
But I will fly. I will fly.
You will see.
I am playing against you, God.
And I am raising hell.
And as far as I can tell I am all alone.
Alone in this world. Alone with you.
I agree. I do not pity. I do not sympathize.
I will remain emotionless towards you.
yours truly ~~~~****~~~~truly horrible~~~~****~~~~
***I may as well jump***
I'm glad to hear that you're having a good time with your good-for-nothing life. Make new friends because in 18 days I WILL be out of your life for good and I couldn't stand to see you miss me so much that you cry. And God-forbid you ever show one ounce of emotion in those fake eyes. You wouldn't want your make-up to run now would you?
You miss me? You miss? That's a complete lie and you know. Actually, you proved it. When the opportunity presented itself for you and I to finally catch up/hang out, you preferred to stay home. That's not sorrow, that's filth. Filthy lie.
I'm not sure what your ulterior motives were when we became friends, because surely they existed. If that wasn't the case then I would actually exist in your so-called normal spectrum of things, don't you think? Oh, wait, you don't think much, do you? Because if you so thought of anything other than yourself for just once, you would realize that my friendship and all those other friendships you are loosing quickly in your path of life-destruction are worth much more than awful lies and petty lines.
miss Heather White
PS: "The Princess walked in just to take more attention" ~k-dawgs MSN name.
OH! and next time someone is talking to you, listen you self-ish brat.
Dear Kayla and Mel, Jordan as well:
Thank you. Thank you for caring. Thank you for being here for me in my time of need. You have realized that I will no longer be here in 3 weeks to the day. You have realized that our friendship will be able to go on even though I am no longer at arms reach. Thank you. No one else has given me this comfort besides you. And I have never been more greatful in my life. And I leave you with Rock on.
Dear band (esther):
Thank you. Thank you for giving me the opportunity that I have been dreaming of since I discovered what a time signature was. Not only did you offer me 4 new friends that I will cherish for the rest of my days, but you presented a future for me. One that is full of unpretictable outcomes and capabilities. Sept 18th; we'll rock everyones socks. Rock on.
A note to above:
You see everything. You see every part. You see all my light and you love my dark. You dig everything of which I'm ashamed. There's not anything to which you can't relate and you're still here.
Hey Mel! Come to the T-dot with me! We'll rent out a sweet ass apartment and make herbal tea and only have funiture made of Canadian wood. haha. I love you.
yours truly ~~~~****~~~~not relative~~~~****~~~~
PS: I want to be big and let go of this grudge that's grown old. All this time I've not known how to rest this bygone. I want to be soft and resolve, clean slate and release. I want to forgive for the both of us.
I need a fucken girlfriend.
Anyone know anyone?
or wanna hook me up?
yours truly ~~~~****~~~~flip off everyone~~~~****~~~~
So moving on from the lack there of.
hah. So maybe this time I'll actually move on.
You have to drag my heart through this soap opera? don't you?
I think the pain inflicted by your tight grip is what gets you off.
Does it feel good? Does it make you come baby?
You are the epitome of pathetic. You are the epitome of this thing called guy.
You are the epitome of all that I have to get my hands on.
I wish it was vica versa and I was dragging your heart through sappy weekday afternoon TV stations.
But I don't have the gull.
I couldn't stomach the sight of another human being suffering so much angst and phyisical pain inflicted by my un-ungrasping hand. Bones so arthritical.
I just made up a word.
You, on the other hand(play my words, hah) must be blind.
Too blind to witness the doubling of the tear cornered in each eye.
For you, I give my heart.
For him, I give my life. So, fuck you.
ADDING MORE! hah
So, here is my vow:
Thanks to a little bit of motivation from a dear friend, I HAVE TO END IT with him.
I have to end all of it.
I'm soooo tired of people(in general) telling me that they'll do something and not follow through.
Awe, it's cute the first time. Crawling back with apology.
But after several weeks of this act of bullshit continuing.. I need to start caring for myself and not so much for him. Or any him. Funny thing: If I dare to complain about his lack of being a 'good' guy he'd for sure just back fire it with "we made an undestanding that I'm a busy guy". Well, I totally understand. I really do. But don't get my hopes up by telling me you'll do something and never do it. Is this what I deserve. Fuck that.
I'm leaving this town for another 4 hours away in 4 weeks. 4 weeks! I don't need this fucken bullshit following me in a HUGE trailor behind my leave. I want a fresh start in Toronto.
But heres the twister. I can't tell him how I feel over MSN. God, that's horrible. Ya, I know it's long distance but (FUCK YOU) when it comes to feelings, they just cannot be said via type. But when he says he's gunna call me and doesn't follow through, what else can I do? I would love to give him a swift punch to the nose. Fuck up both of his eyes in one hit. hah.
Can anyone tell me why I deal with this dude if I ALWAYS rant in Lj?
I care soooo much for Joey. But I can't let go of this maniuplative may-as-well-be a serial rapist.
We made this 'pact' that we wouldn't be serious but on the tag, we wouldn't see other ppl.
THE FUCK IS THAT?
I wouldn't doubt that he has kissed other girls. And I wouldn't doubt that he's probably fucked some band whore. But at the same time I wouldn't be surprised if he was seriously all about me. I like him when he's good to me. Rarity. Words like "babe" get me everytime. I'm pathetic.
So, here is my vow to anyone who cares.
Countdown to my departure:
4 weeks to the day!!!
Toronto, watch out!
yours truly ~~~~****~~~~completely out of here~~~~****~~~~